Dawn of the New Memes

To those of you who are unaware of the viridescent star of this post’s featured image: you are so old and the world has no place for you any more. You are a stranger to our modern civilisation – go back to your wasteland of Midsummer Murders and incontinence.

Bit harsh?

Okay so the amphibian popping his sexy little head in front of pre-wrinkly Hugh Grant is of course the newest meme on the block – dat boi. You can see from the stoic look in Hugh’s eye that he knows he’s being overshadowed by this frog’s fame on the internet.

As a dedicated follower of memeology, Ive done my fair bit of research on the dat boi origin story. Just incase you’re still lost – dat boi is a title attributed to various images of a unicycling frog. Yes it’s that riveting. But if your worldview hasn’t shifted yet fear not – it will.

Tumblr (which perpetuates many of these kinds of memes) is typically the epitome of glamorising. It romanticises mental illness and eating disorders with flowery quotes about being strong and black and white stock photos. Anything with previously negative connotations can see them reverse and thrive in these pocket communities on the platform (a topic for another day). But for me, the fightback force is the likes of Pepe, and now, dat boi. They become so popular that the whole site is filled with them flooding your dash and suddenly gone are these glamorising posts. You can’t find them any more. The memes have taken over.

Yeah. Consider your mind blown.

Though you may be perplexed by the unlikely fame of a frog with an aptitude for unicycling, you’ve got to credit the guy for the fact that he really gets around. He’s visited the word trade centre, dropped in on Hiroshima, helped the napalmed Vietnamese. A real philanthropist as you can see. He’s also pictured reuniting with his son (which transpires to be a slightly smaller image of dat boi or Luke Skywalker as accounts differ), he fought in the battle of Hogwarts – though on which side is unknown, and met the cyberdemon in doom.

This one silly frog is more famous than you will probably be in your life and has probably achieved more meaningful things too. So what’s my point? Worship at the feet/unicycle wheel of dat boi? Yeah. Pretty much.

 

-N

 

Advertisements

Is Water a Portal to Another Dimension?

Short answer? No.

HAHA! I bet you feel like a right fool now, well fear not, because i will actually be going over some theories as to how this could be possible in today’s Sleazy Post.

So, being a man of philosophy and existentialism, i was lying in my bed pondering the meaning of the Universe the other day, with my lava lamp flowing in front of me (I find them very relaxing, especially if you have trouble sleeping), and i noticed that the bubbles of wax always form perfect spheres in the solution.

Now, before we tackle today’s question, as usual we have to tackle many others, and this one may seem rather unimportant, but why are there no cuboid planets?

Cuboid planets? Thats crazy! Well, you’d be surprised, it’s been theorized that there could be cylindrical, and donut shaped planets in our galaxy that we just haven’t found yet. donut planets are seriously cool by the way, i will be doing a post on them in the near future!

Anything in space creates its own gravity, whether it be a single dust particle, or a massive rock floating around with some primitive beings pondering about whether or not they should go for tea with Barbara.

This is how planets originally formed, when the big bang happened, and all the matter in the Universe was violently flung around in every direction, particles started to chunk together, and exponentially grow.

You see, if 2 particles ever came into contact with each other, they would have a higher gravitational field (however small it may be) than the single particle next to them, and they would pull in any single particles, hence the exponential growth.

As we know, Gravity pulls inwards, and forms perfect spheres, and this is why there aren’t really any other planets in the Universe that aren’t perfectly spherical naturally.

“But Skal, how does this relate to water being a portal to another di-”

Well i’m getting to that! Let a man finish.

My theory, is that not only water, but any liquid solution (considering that the liquid in lava lamps is made up of water, mineral oil, paraffin wax, and carbon tetrachloride) is actually just a pocket dimension, hence why other substances such as the wax form perfect spheres whilst in the lamp.

This doesn’t explain other things though, such as why the spheres of wax always sink to the bottom, surely if this other dimension lacked gravity like space at the beggining of the Universe, the spheres of was would just sit in the middle, motionless.

Well, an explanation for this could simply be that this newly formed pocket dimension, is already in our atmosphere, and our atmosphere is pretty damn strong!

Dont forget that water also came to earth from meteorites, and other extra terrestrial bodies, so maybe water is just a form of technology that we dont yet understand…

As a friend of mine, called Napiformity on this site once told me, what if Aliens have already visited us, and their spaceships just look like leaves in a breeze to us, we’d never know, because its not what we expect Aliens to look like, by the standards that the media has set in the past.

Now there is a lot more to this, but i shall save it for another day, for example:

  • What Would an Alien Actually Look Like?
  • How Would a Donut Planet Form?
  • How Would a Moon Behave Around a Donut Planet?
  • More Explanations For Our Existance

Thanks for listening to me ramble, i hope you enjoyed learning a little something about how crazy i could possibly be…

Now i want to stay on a donut planet… i wonder if they serve free donuts as memorabilia?

A question, for another day.

-S

PS: The picture picture for this post was made by me! :3

Legality vs Stupidity

Perusing the interwebs post-adobe flash update is essentially documentary central for me. The weirder and more niche the better. 9/11 conspiracy theories? Tell me the untold story. “I live as a dog” – I salivate with anticipation. So when I come across a program described as containing scenes of homeless people high on bath salts. Well that sounds like my jam. As it happens a lot was gleaned from this doc. Namely that there are some really dark sides to Wolverhampton.

Fear not – this won’t be a review of Drugs Map of Britain. I just think that it is something we sadly neglect to discuss. Legal highs are a dangerous subgenre of addiction that is frequently ignored or deemed as less dangerous somehow. Truth is, the law just hasn’t gotten round to writing up the fine print that outlaw these synthetic versions of hardcore drugs. But no more – and that’s my point. At midnight on the 26th May 2016 (roughly the time I’m writing this, judge not) new laws come into effect banning many of these substances. I am slightly amused to picture all the previously-legal high junkies showing up to buy in bulk poppers and “black mamba” and such like, stocking up before they’re taken off the shelves for good.

But how does this apply to you? Hopefully it doesn’t. Considering the current demographic you’re likely not the person to screech “ket me up before you gogo” unless it is with great irony. The thing to be scared of is that these types of unhealthy pursuits come in waves. They move with the fashions. Before a few years ago no one knew of molly except as a beloved baby name. And people change too – values shift as one goes through phases. Miley is my prime example *shudder*.

As you can imagine – the risks of these substances are pretty obvious but I don’t want to feel like your edgy school councillor who so desperately wants to be relatable. As aforementioned in my intro post I’m a little to unusual to hope for that. But according to FRANK who it transpires is not a person but more of a concept (gasp from the deep philosophical community) and he/she/it/PC pronoun says “they can affect your central nervous system, and lead to seizures, fast heart rates, high blood pressre, sweating, increased body temperature, being agitated and being combative (ready to fight)”. They’re basically just all round naff and the general message is loud and clear – hoe don’t do it. Though I’m sure you’re very classy.

Enjoy your newly legal high drug free world, my darlings. But I assure you it won’t be long until the new phase rolls along. Let’s just pray it isn’t completely heinous like high from hand sanitiser or school’s pva glue. Wait… what do you mean those are both examples of what people have claimed to be high on in the past? Oh give me strength. I shouldn’t be giving you guys ideas like this.

-N

Phase

Newtons Flaming Laser Sword?

So i’m sure you’re wondering what the hell Newtons Flaming Laser Sword is, and i’ll tell you just that, but first we need a bit of backstory!

So philosophical concepts have been around about as long as mankind has, we as a species question just about everything in some hope to one day know more, and discover something amazing.

One of the biggest fundamental questions that has ever perplexed us is also quite possibly the simplest.

Why do we exist?

If you start to rack your brain a bit when thinking about the existence of everything, you get back to the big bang theory, and how supposedly super powerful particles collided, bringing everything into existence almost instantly.

For years, we have tried to justify this, and ask how it happened, and what happened before it, but personally i’m more interested in why whatever happened, happened at all.

Forget the explanations, and the Nobel prize for discovering the meaning of life and everything, i want to know why anything exists, not how, why.

Why isn’t the Universe just an endless void of nothingness, expanding into itself forever?

In fact that question in itself shows just how simple minded we humans are. To describe literal nothingness is impossible, because we can’t justify what nothing would be. We envision it as a dark blank space, expanding forever, but in reality, nothingness is something we cannot perceive, darkness is something, a blank space is something, so what is nothing?

A question for another day, as i’m already going off topic VERY quickly.

Anyway, an explanation to the existence of the Universe itself is “Last Thursday-ism”, a belief that the Universe started… last Thursday… and everything that we think we remember was just created with us.

At this point we start to encounter a lot of problems, for example we REMEMBER the past, but is that remembering really something that happened? Are we just remembering a memory that has been created along with us? Surely it would take a lot for every human on earth, and potentially every being in the galaxy to have its memories invented from nothingness instantly? Maybe it would be simpler if it were just your memories…

There are a lot of questions that can be asked at this point, but the main goal of many philosophers is to attempt to disprove it.

This is where “Occam’s Razor” theory comes in handy, as it basically states that given 2 explanations for an event, its safer to go with the simpler one.

For example, if i blow a pencil off a table, is it easier to assume that the pencil moved because i blew it, or because a giant flying Italian food based creature glided into the room, moved the pencil onto the floor, and flew straight out again before i could notice?

Thats essentially what Occam’s Razor is helpful for.

Last Thursday-ism becomes a problem at this point, because however hard it is to believe, it is a far simpler explanation for the creation of the Universe than we can provide, let alone prove.

However it’s annoyingly simple how this theory is blatantly untrue, yet completely impossible to disprove.

OR IS IT!?

This is where Newtons Flaming Laser Sword theory comes into play, it basically states that “common sense says no”, and therefore the idea that the Universe was created 5 seconds ago, or a week ago, or a few hours ago is wrong, because even though we cannot disprove it, we know that we experienced past events, and nobody can tell us otherwise.

As usual with Philosophy, a lot more questions were asked than were answered in this post, so look forward to more posts on:

  • What is True Nothingness?
  • Solipsism
  • The Truth About Deities
  • More Explanations For Our existence

Thanks for listening to me ramble, i hope you enjoyed learning a little something about how bad ass Newton apparently could be!

Now i want my own Flaming Laser Sword…

-S

Regret

Underestimate

Regret.

Surprisingly, one of the most versatile feelings one can endure. And one that people underestimate.

To put it into perspective, i read an article a few days ago about a man who denied his wife’s marriage proposal, so that he wouldn’t fall behind on work. Literally days later, she died instantly in a tragic accident, and in a futile attempt to redeem himself, the man married his now dead girlfriend on the day of her funeral.

Obviously thats an extreme case, and i personally have never had to endure anything nearly that bad, but it just goes to show that you should be prepared for anything in life, because having to live with something like that is a burden that nobody should ever have to bare.

Probably the worst case of regret i personally have ever felt, is when a loved one turns on you for a simple misunderstanding, or just a simple, innocent decision that you just wish you could take back.

Maybe it was a piece of information that nobody needed to hear.

Maybe you didn’t know the person well enough to know that something you thought was fine, was the end of the world to them.

Maybe you’re barking up the wrong tree, and you’re regret is because you can’t admit your mistakes.

Being hated by someone you love, is possibly the hardest thing any human being has to endure in terms of psychological pain, but if you caused that dilemma, the hatred for yourself becomes an even greater problem.

The sadness, and in extent the regret for the decision that you, and you alone could have avoided is incredibly painful.

Sometimes, if not every time, the kind of action that causes hatred in someone you can usually trust isn’t redeemed with a simple sorry.

Even though you will be sorry, and for atleast a moment nothing seems more important, what the other person feels isn’t simply covered by your regret, and you simply have to endure the punishment, and take it in your stride.

So for anyone out there reading this who currently thinks any bad of someone, take a step back, look at it from their point of view, because if you can find it in yourself to forgive them for whatever stupid action it was they took, it might just mean the world to them.

Don’t live in regret.

Don’t let others live in regret.

Life’s too short.

-S

Reflections On Eurovision

Well I was so wrong. I don’t think I’ve been more wrong since the time I thought a JLS concert sounded like a fun way to spend an evening. Eurovision this year was historic, momentous and a bit dull.

Everyone mistook it for a singing contest this time. The exception being maybe Germany (pictured) who mistook it for a manga loving environmentalist’s wet dream.

So it seems background graphics and sweet dance moves are not the way to go after this seismic shift. And we thought we had Eurovision techniques down! Yes, contrasting to the fun and upbeat Eurovision we all know and are made a little uncomfortable by, this year a political song actually won. A few world peace tunes were thrown out and satirised by “peace peace love love” which was a perfect moment for me and a depressing one for all the previous years’ acts whose names you cant remember. The winning song (Jamala’s 1944 representing Ukraine) wasn’t just a touch political, it was about ETHNIC CLEANSING. How further from Eurovision can you get?

As suspected, Britain did appallingly. We didn’t even do well with Australia, and our queen is on their money. But undoubtably the most heinous of all was Germany as aforementioned with the crazed headdress. Consider my retinas firmly burned away.

But the biggest crime of all was the lack of sing-along. I battled through it with poor wifi and GPRS (whatever that is) and got the lyrics online but it was a pale imitation of the bars on the bottom of the screen that I’m used to.

The whole event was only saved by a spectacular Eurovision party I attended, equipped with Ice lollies and Kopperburg. Alcohol numbs the pain, as they say.

Time to abandon the Eurovision ship for another year,

-N

My Predictions for Eurovision

So the spectacularly camp Europe wide competition has rolled around again. In fact, it has been said that the hardest question that Euro-sceptics have to answer is “but will we have to give up Eurovision?”. It can be tricky to navigate the many Eurovision tropes and flat out insanities so I have created a helpful guide of predictions. Like the plastic fan I am, I have not watched the semis (be honest with yourself, they’re trash) and I don’t know what any of the acts will be so this is purely based on my own prior knowledge of the event.

Hold on to your patriotic flags and whack on the luminescent body paint because we’re going in.

  1. The one you wanted won’t win. Sorry, but if your tastes are anything like mine (i.e. good) then your champion will be pipped to the post by a man or woman in edgy clothing probably not wearing shoes who uses some kind of graphic on a screen. Gah!
  2. Russia will give their points to the neighbouring countries. Not to be stereotypical and please please don’t sue me but the Eastern Europeans vote as a block. Probably something to do with oil.
  3. The theme will be cringe and you’ll die sitting through all the postcards of people making their flags. Previous themes have included “building bridges”, that one with the butterflies and the one that tries and fails to be tech savvy but ends up making it sound like a cult: #joinus
  4. Anyone without allies will do poorly. Don’t try to disagree with me on this one. Despite the fact that Ireland has the most Eurovision wins of any country (seven) it has none in the 21st century. And now Jedward represented them twice *shudder*. As for Great Britain, I’ve given up supporting them. I’m an honorary latvian when it comes to Eurovision. “Cake to bake” may have been weird but its not half as awful as the stuff Team GB puts out. We’ll probs come near the bottom of the leaderboard with some D lister I’ve never heard of but that my dad quite liked (back in’t day) representing us.
  5. Someone will make a sweeping statement about world peace. No one (except me of course) will be able to point out the idiocy of this because sounding like you don’t share the french lady’s desire for world peace is like saying you’re the devil incarnate. But if you listen closely you’ll realise that what initially sounded profound is actually meaningless and a bit silly. So stop. It ain’t gonna happen no matter how high you sing.
  6. Countries with poorer economies will actively try to lose. They can’t afford to host the next year so they’ll do a brilliant job at being naff. Looking at you Greece – “alcohol is free” was pants. We in England on the other hand actually pay to fast track it to the final. God, we wouldn’t still have austerity if we could just stand to be knocked out of Eurovision!
  7. Someone will actually mistake it for a singing contest. This was basically Australia last year. With the notable exceptions of ABBA, Celine Dion and maybe Bucks Fizz and Katrina and the Waves, no famous people dare to tread in EV territory. Just being a good singer is not nearly enough. Start stocking up on political buddies if you want even a cat in hell’s chance.

I hope you enjoyed or at least appreciated the wisdom of my guide! Roll on Eurovision and if you don’t watch it then you’re just a terrible person. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

-N

Introducing Skaliber?

So, we’ve had Napiformity, Daroha, and there’s more to come, but for now this is your time to ponder about what Skaliber could possibly mean…

I’m sure you’re thinking something along the lines of “Skal, and iber? Maybe it has something to do with the Danish word for Must, and therefore derives an ancient call to the power one finds in oneself to gain the courage to do the impossible!”

Well, you’d be absolutely wrong, its a halfway house between the legendary sword, and bullet Caliber. Yeah.

ANYWAY.

Yeah, I put a question mark in the title of this post, simply because it fits my persona quite well, I am the person who questions everything, the true meaning of life, the ever expanding and impossible to fully conceive Universe itself, and even something as extreme as my own inclusion in the Sleazy Panda.

The name i like to go by around here is of course Skaliber, and the above is no word of a lie, its a combination of King Arthur’s sword, and the standard classification of bullets. Skaliber can be a bit if a mouthful though, so you can call me Skal, or just S.

*Desperately anticipates fan base*

Favourite Colour: I do not have a favourite colour.

Favourite Smell: I can barely smell.

Taste: Of the highest quality.

FAQ:

“Skaliber, where do you see yourself in 20 years?”

A – Every atom of the body replaces itself atleast once every 5 years, so my entire body will have come and gone atleast 3 or 4 times, so by definition, I will be an entirely different person, with a different life, different memories, different physiology, and technically, considering how the atoms of the body will simply transfer into surrounding space, me in 20 years is in a LOT of places.

“Hey Skal, do you have a YouTube channel you’d like to shamelessly plug?”

A – Well im glad you asked, Jimmy, I sure do!  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1UFw6cqmdFWdjEcY2HVZ7g

“Skaliber, what would you say are your aspirations for the future?”

A – Taking into consideration that the Universe will be in its inevitable heat death phase in roughly 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (a googol, no joke, that is the spelling) years, my aspirations for life are quite limited.

Thats right, I just started a new paragraph in a vocalized answer, and I also consider myself to be an existentialist, someone who admits the true meaningless nature of life, and aims to make something of it, by refusing to do anything that would ever make their relatively short existence dull in any way!

So there you have it! My name is Skaliber, I am the graphics artist for the Sleazy Panda, and I will be here for the inevitable future to bring you more weird and wonderful facts about our brilliant world.

SUBSCRIBE.

– S

 

Introducing Napiformity!

Hello to the tens of people reading this. You really came out in your droves, didn’t you. Well as one of the contributors to this blog, I have opted to answer some quick FAQs so that you can get to know me. Clearly from the off you can see that I just ooze originality.

LET’S GET RIGHT INTO IT.

My name (on here at least mehehe) is Napiformity or Mitty if the former gets a bit too polysyllabic. It is derived from the adjective napiform which means shaped like a turnip. So enjoy puzzling that one over. I’m enigmatic what can I say. What am I gonna say next? Scotch tape! See, you didn’t know.

My favourite colour is puce, like the armpit of a plague victim.

Favourite drink? Ice cold glass of disappointment. And irony.

On the TV right now? Killer women with Piers Morgan. Honestly it’s a riot…

Speak another language? Un poco. El Gato bombero. Biblioteca de pestañas. In other words… no.

Phone? Rose gold iPhone 6s. Because clearly I don’t exude enough white trash essence already.

My favourite line of poetry would have to be “I wandered lonely as a moth to eat some jumpers in a draw” – Steve Coogan

So there’s a basic introduction to me! Hope it gave you some insight and that you’re now itching to see what content I’ll put out next. I know I’m so excited. Well, as much as a cynic and sarcastic fiend as I possibly can be.

See you next time, turnips.

-N