So the spectacularly camp Europe wide competition has rolled around again. In fact, it has been said that the hardest question that Euro-sceptics have to answer is “but will we have to give up Eurovision?”. It can be tricky to navigate the many Eurovision tropes and flat out insanities so I have created a helpful guide of predictions. Like the plastic fan I am, I have not watched the semis (be honest with yourself, they’re trash) and I don’t know what any of the acts will be so this is purely based on my own prior knowledge of the event.
Hold on to your patriotic flags and whack on the luminescent body paint because we’re going in.
- The one you wanted won’t win. Sorry, but if your tastes are anything like mine (i.e. good) then your champion will be pipped to the post by a man or woman in edgy clothing probably not wearing shoes who uses some kind of graphic on a screen. Gah!
- Russia will give their points to the neighbouring countries. Not to be stereotypical and please please don’t sue me but the Eastern Europeans vote as a block. Probably something to do with oil.
- The theme will be cringe and you’ll die sitting through all the postcards of people making their flags. Previous themes have included “building bridges”, that one with the butterflies and the one that tries and fails to be tech savvy but ends up making it sound like a cult: #joinus
- Anyone without allies will do poorly. Don’t try to disagree with me on this one. Despite the fact that Ireland has the most Eurovision wins of any country (seven) it has none in the 21st century. And now Jedward represented them twice *shudder*. As for Great Britain, I’ve given up supporting them. I’m an honorary latvian when it comes to Eurovision. “Cake to bake” may have been weird but its not half as awful as the stuff Team GB puts out. We’ll probs come near the bottom of the leaderboard with some D lister I’ve never heard of but that my dad quite liked (back in’t day) representing us.
- Someone will make a sweeping statement about world peace. No one (except me of course) will be able to point out the idiocy of this because sounding like you don’t share the french lady’s desire for world peace is like saying you’re the devil incarnate. But if you listen closely you’ll realise that what initially sounded profound is actually meaningless and a bit silly. So stop. It ain’t gonna happen no matter how high you sing.
- Countries with poorer economies will actively try to lose. They can’t afford to host the next year so they’ll do a brilliant job at being naff. Looking at you Greece – “alcohol is free” was pants. We in England on the other hand actually pay to fast track it to the final. God, we wouldn’t still have austerity if we could just stand to be knocked out of Eurovision!
- Someone will actually mistake it for a singing contest. This was basically Australia last year. With the notable exceptions of ABBA, Celine Dion and maybe Bucks Fizz and Katrina and the Waves, no famous people dare to tread in EV territory. Just being a good singer is not nearly enough. Start stocking up on political buddies if you want even a cat in hell’s chance.
I hope you enjoyed or at least appreciated the wisdom of my guide! Roll on Eurovision and if you don’t watch it then you’re just a terrible person. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.