Dawn of the New Memes

To those of you who are unaware of the viridescent star of this post’s featured image: you are so old and the world has no place for you any more. You are a stranger to our modern civilisation – go back to your wasteland of Midsummer Murders and incontinence.

Bit harsh?

Okay so the amphibian popping his sexy little head in front of pre-wrinkly Hugh Grant is of course the newest meme on the block – dat boi. You can see from the stoic look in Hugh’s eye that he knows he’s being overshadowed by this frog’s fame on the internet.

As a dedicated follower of memeology, Ive done my fair bit of research on the dat boi origin story. Just incase you’re still lost – dat boi is a title attributed to various images of a unicycling frog. Yes it’s that riveting. But if your worldview hasn’t shifted yet fear not – it will.

Tumblr (which perpetuates many of these kinds of memes) is typically the epitome of glamorising. It romanticises mental illness and eating disorders with flowery quotes about being strong and black and white stock photos. Anything with previously negative connotations can see them reverse and thrive in these pocket communities on the platform (a topic for another day). But for me, the fightback force is the likes of Pepe, and now, dat boi. They become so popular that the whole site is filled with them flooding your dash and suddenly gone are these glamorising posts. You can’t find them any more. The memes have taken over.

Yeah. Consider your mind blown.

Though you may be perplexed by the unlikely fame of a frog with an aptitude for unicycling, you’ve got to credit the guy for the fact that he really gets around. He’s visited the word trade centre, dropped in on Hiroshima, helped the napalmed Vietnamese. A real philanthropist as you can see. He’s also pictured reuniting with his son (which transpires to be a slightly smaller image of dat boi or Luke Skywalker as accounts differ), he fought in the battle of Hogwarts – though on which side is unknown, and met the cyberdemon in doom.

This one silly frog is more famous than you will probably be in your life and has probably achieved more meaningful things too. So what’s my point? Worship at the feet/unicycle wheel of dat boi? Yeah. Pretty much.

 

-N

 

Legality vs Stupidity

Perusing the interwebs post-adobe flash update is essentially documentary central for me. The weirder and more niche the better. 9/11 conspiracy theories? Tell me the untold story. “I live as a dog” – I salivate with anticipation. So when I come across a program described as containing scenes of homeless people high on bath salts. Well that sounds like my jam. As it happens a lot was gleaned from this doc. Namely that there are some really dark sides to Wolverhampton.

Fear not – this won’t be a review of Drugs Map of Britain. I just think that it is something we sadly neglect to discuss. Legal highs are a dangerous subgenre of addiction that is frequently ignored or deemed as less dangerous somehow. Truth is, the law just hasn’t gotten round to writing up the fine print that outlaw these synthetic versions of hardcore drugs. But no more – and that’s my point. At midnight on the 26th May 2016 (roughly the time I’m writing this, judge not) new laws come into effect banning many of these substances. I am slightly amused to picture all the previously-legal high junkies showing up to buy in bulk poppers and “black mamba” and such like, stocking up before they’re taken off the shelves for good.

But how does this apply to you? Hopefully it doesn’t. Considering the current demographic you’re likely not the person to screech “ket me up before you gogo” unless it is with great irony. The thing to be scared of is that these types of unhealthy pursuits come in waves. They move with the fashions. Before a few years ago no one knew of molly except as a beloved baby name. And people change too – values shift as one goes through phases. Miley is my prime example *shudder*.

As you can imagine – the risks of these substances are pretty obvious but I don’t want to feel like your edgy school councillor who so desperately wants to be relatable. As aforementioned in my intro post I’m a little to unusual to hope for that. But according to FRANK who it transpires is not a person but more of a concept (gasp from the deep philosophical community) and he/she/it/PC pronoun says “they can affect your central nervous system, and lead to seizures, fast heart rates, high blood pressre, sweating, increased body temperature, being agitated and being combative (ready to fight)”. They’re basically just all round naff and the general message is loud and clear – hoe don’t do it. Though I’m sure you’re very classy.

Enjoy your newly legal high drug free world, my darlings. But I assure you it won’t be long until the new phase rolls along. Let’s just pray it isn’t completely heinous like high from hand sanitiser or school’s pva glue. Wait… what do you mean those are both examples of what people have claimed to be high on in the past? Oh give me strength. I shouldn’t be giving you guys ideas like this.

-N

Phase

Reflections On Eurovision

Well I was so wrong. I don’t think I’ve been more wrong since the time I thought a JLS concert sounded like a fun way to spend an evening. Eurovision this year was historic, momentous and a bit dull.

Everyone mistook it for a singing contest this time. The exception being maybe Germany (pictured) who mistook it for a manga loving environmentalist’s wet dream.

So it seems background graphics and sweet dance moves are not the way to go after this seismic shift. And we thought we had Eurovision techniques down! Yes, contrasting to the fun and upbeat Eurovision we all know and are made a little uncomfortable by, this year a political song actually won. A few world peace tunes were thrown out and satirised by “peace peace love love” which was a perfect moment for me and a depressing one for all the previous years’ acts whose names you cant remember. The winning song (Jamala’s 1944 representing Ukraine) wasn’t just a touch political, it was about ETHNIC CLEANSING. How further from Eurovision can you get?

As suspected, Britain did appallingly. We didn’t even do well with Australia, and our queen is on their money. But undoubtably the most heinous of all was Germany as aforementioned with the crazed headdress. Consider my retinas firmly burned away.

But the biggest crime of all was the lack of sing-along. I battled through it with poor wifi and GPRS (whatever that is) and got the lyrics online but it was a pale imitation of the bars on the bottom of the screen that I’m used to.

The whole event was only saved by a spectacular Eurovision party I attended, equipped with Ice lollies and Kopperburg. Alcohol numbs the pain, as they say.

Time to abandon the Eurovision ship for another year,

-N

My Predictions for Eurovision

So the spectacularly camp Europe wide competition has rolled around again. In fact, it has been said that the hardest question that Euro-sceptics have to answer is “but will we have to give up Eurovision?”. It can be tricky to navigate the many Eurovision tropes and flat out insanities so I have created a helpful guide of predictions. Like the plastic fan I am, I have not watched the semis (be honest with yourself, they’re trash) and I don’t know what any of the acts will be so this is purely based on my own prior knowledge of the event.

Hold on to your patriotic flags and whack on the luminescent body paint because we’re going in.

  1. The one you wanted won’t win. Sorry, but if your tastes are anything like mine (i.e. good) then your champion will be pipped to the post by a man or woman in edgy clothing probably not wearing shoes who uses some kind of graphic on a screen. Gah!
  2. Russia will give their points to the neighbouring countries. Not to be stereotypical and please please don’t sue me but the Eastern Europeans vote as a block. Probably something to do with oil.
  3. The theme will be cringe and you’ll die sitting through all the postcards of people making their flags. Previous themes have included “building bridges”, that one with the butterflies and the one that tries and fails to be tech savvy but ends up making it sound like a cult: #joinus
  4. Anyone without allies will do poorly. Don’t try to disagree with me on this one. Despite the fact that Ireland has the most Eurovision wins of any country (seven) it has none in the 21st century. And now Jedward represented them twice *shudder*. As for Great Britain, I’ve given up supporting them. I’m an honorary latvian when it comes to Eurovision. “Cake to bake” may have been weird but its not half as awful as the stuff Team GB puts out. We’ll probs come near the bottom of the leaderboard with some D lister I’ve never heard of but that my dad quite liked (back in’t day) representing us.
  5. Someone will make a sweeping statement about world peace. No one (except me of course) will be able to point out the idiocy of this because sounding like you don’t share the french lady’s desire for world peace is like saying you’re the devil incarnate. But if you listen closely you’ll realise that what initially sounded profound is actually meaningless and a bit silly. So stop. It ain’t gonna happen no matter how high you sing.
  6. Countries with poorer economies will actively try to lose. They can’t afford to host the next year so they’ll do a brilliant job at being naff. Looking at you Greece – “alcohol is free” was pants. We in England on the other hand actually pay to fast track it to the final. God, we wouldn’t still have austerity if we could just stand to be knocked out of Eurovision!
  7. Someone will actually mistake it for a singing contest. This was basically Australia last year. With the notable exceptions of ABBA, Celine Dion and maybe Bucks Fizz and Katrina and the Waves, no famous people dare to tread in EV territory. Just being a good singer is not nearly enough. Start stocking up on political buddies if you want even a cat in hell’s chance.

I hope you enjoyed or at least appreciated the wisdom of my guide! Roll on Eurovision and if you don’t watch it then you’re just a terrible person. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

-N